For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
I thought this community was a half sarcastic knockoff of the reddit equivalent sub, didn’t actually expect to see a serious post lol.
EDIT: For your own sanity, please take the advice here with a grain of salt
Just for the record, I’m going insane wondering what the thing is.
Expensive kitchen appliance. I don’t think the specifics are relevant.
It’s about this long.
If you made it clear you do not like new things I don’t know why your spouse thought this would be different. And then on top of it to need to leave the house to cool off (which that itself is fine, but feeling so strongly about it isn’t imo) something feels off.
If I knew my partner didn’t like new stuff, and I got her new stuff anyway, I wouldn’t take it personally and get very upset about it. Did you talk to your spouse about it yet? Clearly there’s a disconnect somewhere but you did nothing wrong by saying you want to return it. Hell, it’s not like you returned it already and used that money to buy something else. Or pretended to like it but return it in secret. You’re being very open and honest and communicative about your feelings which is good.
Idk, feels like a pretty big overreaction on your spouses part that warrants a conversation.
You are heading for divorce.
You might be right but you’re not really helping. I’m trying to fix things and specifically avoid divorce.
If a gift is given with expectations its not a gift, its a trade you didnt agree to. You have to be able to deny the gift. Maybe you should talk about expectations and preference.
You’re getting down voted but it honestly feels like this sometimes. I’ve also heard the phrase covert contract. Essentially if you don’t react properly, you’re punished. It’s happened my whole life.
You may be autistic and should get properly diagnosed. I am not joking. Your spouse was trying to do a nice thing for you and maybe even liked the idea of you using something they got you all the time the way you use your current one. Given how you form emotional attachments to old and familiar things and given how you don’t understand your spouse’s hurt, you are very likely on spectrum. Being diagnosed will help give you the tools to better interact with others, and will help those close to you — like your spouse — know how to relate to you more effectively.
Yeah. That was so clear (IMO) that It didn’t even occur to me that this person may not already know.
You’re not the first person to say this.
In that case, here’s a plausable explanation that might resonate:
Gifts are a social contract. They are tendering their time, effort, and feelings for you to pick something to make you happy. If they misjudge you and you care about their happiness, thank them, hug them, make them feel special, then make sure you have a gift list available to them next time. This could be a Pinterest board, or anything. Focus on things you’d consider acceptable, even though they’re new. Also, DON’T GIVE THEM THAT LIST RIGHT NOW. In fact, wait until black Friday and tell them you have trouble picking out gifts for them, and ask if they could make a list, and can then, hopefully, safely exchange lists.
Your spouse put a lot of time and strong feelings into picking you birthday a gift. They formed an emotional attachment to this process/gift expecting to make you happy. Perhaps they feel like they don’t get you good gifts, perhaps the price of the item itself was a hardship that they decided to bear on your behalf to make them feel proud, or maybe they feel like you’re too good at getting them gifts. Perhaps you’re extremely hard to shop for since finding you used, repairable items that you’ll appreciate is an insurmountably difficult task from the outside. In any case, they felt that they had done a good job and probably had a solid sigh of relief for figuring something out.
They wrap it, feeling excitement, wanting you to be happy. They hand it over to you. You appear disappointed and want to return it. Even if you put on a good face at the time and later mentioned returning it, All that excitement, pride, and serotonin they had is now instantly gone. They feel awful for not understanding you.
Embarrasment + Shame + Sadness will make some awful anger.
Pick your battles. Someone giving you something nice that you don’t love for your own reasons is rarely a battle worth having. Accept it with grace and admiration for them. Make them as happy as they’re trying to make you.
edit:
also to cover
I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things
While not entirely incorrect here, they are adjacent, but gifting clothes is another type of social contract with some messy implied stipulations. You give it to them, they feel obligated to wear the clothes and that usually comes with public-facing consequences. Self-image is quite fragile in the face of others.
I keep a collection of nerdy t-shirt logos from t-shirt sites all over the net in an image account and my wife has access to it. She can get me anything from there in my size in any form of clothing and I’d gladly accept it and be overjoyed and wear it all without worry.
Your post is like something I could have written, right down to repairing old things and loving them because you breathed new life into them, and because they are familiar, reliable, and comforting. Getting diagnosed opens a world of support and understanding, and I cannot encourage you enough to pursue it. Do it for your marriage and your own happiness. Even if it’s not ASD, a diagnosis helps more than you might initially think.
I’m not alone! Lol.
Yeah, I’ve said elsewhere but you’re not the first person to tell me this.
You’re not! This internet stranger is rooting for you!
Unnecessary, uncool. Why try to label someone why you don’t know, and obviously don’t have the credentials to diagnose?
Because I am autistic, have been through this myself, and game recognizes game. These are classic hallmarks of ASD. I appreciate that you care, but OP clearly needs to take the first step and seek a professional diagnosis, which could change their life for the better.
Nah, it’s cool. They’re not the first person to tell me this.
I mean they did say “you may be…” and then followed it up with advice to talk to a professional. I don’t think there was an attempt to diagnose here, even though I don’t agree with how the comment was worded. Personally, I think everyone should get tested to see what neuroatypicalities they have.
Because this isn’t a regular behavior. Ignoring a potential abnormality will just complicate their life. They didn’t diagnose anyone, please learn to read.
Even thoug the comment wasnt a direct diagnose its still unessecerly labeling. The explained situation could have multiple layers we cant possibly know of.
I understand why both of you might be upset but they will eventually understand why it wasn’t the best gift idea for you and all will be fine. Those things happen, don’t interpret so much into it. It might not be as obvious to them as you think it should be that you don’t like new things. Talk about it in a respectful way, they wanted to do something nice for you after all.
Yep, this sort of situation is common, and definitely not any sort of crazy, relationship-ending drama (OP you shouldn’t entertain any of the classic reddit-esque “Delete facebook, hit the gym, get a lawyer” type of “impending divorce” comments). However, it could definitely benefit from them sitting down together and having clear purposeful communication all about this issue, each of their feelings, their expectations vs reality, etc. So everyone can get on the same page, understand that neither of them intended to hurt the other, and neither of them necessarily “did something wrong,” etc. In most of these relationship arguments, there is no “you are wrong, I am right” or “you are the one that did something wrong, and must apologize.” It’s almost always justa miscommunication that sets off a bunch of emotions, because one or the other (or both) are not aware of the intentions of the other person, or misunderstood something and made the wrong assumptions/conclusions. Talking it out is always the best way to move forward.
I know “love languages” is mostly pseudoscience, but it’s not wrong in that different personalities with different upbringings/backgrounds, all have different preferences in how they like to be shown love and affection, and how they like to show others love and affection. Often the second (how to show affection to others) ends up just being a projection of the first (i.e. “This is how I like to be shown affection, so I will do the same to show my affection to others, since they must appreciate it in the same way I do.”).
A few things for OP to consider in this situation:
- A nicer, newer version of an old, worn-out item that someone uses all the time and really likes, is a VERY common gift. It’s a gift that people often give to show their loved ones that they really care and also that they pay attention to what is important to them. It’s a way to show they aren’t just “phoning it in” with a generic gift, but instead getting them something they know they’ll put to good use and appreciate since they pay attention to their current “favorites” or interests, and thus the gift is meaningful in that way.
- OP’s spouse likely appreciates gifts like that (a lot of people would), and would feel great receiving something like that from a loved one. So they projected that same preference onto OP, and based on that assumption, came into the situation with the expectation that OP would love the gift, and likely see it in the same way they themselves do - a thoughtful gift that really showed they care and put thought into something they knew their spouse would appreciate.
- When OP didn’t immediately thank their spouse for such a thoughtful, heartfelt gift, the spouse’s expectations were likely crushed. And they likely felt very hurt. Not just that OP didn’t like the gift, but didn’t even acknowledge all the thought and effort OP’s spouse likely put into it. So it’s not just “They didn’t like my gift” but it’s also more importantly “They totally ignored and disregarded all my love and care and effort I put into something that was done just for them.” This sort of immediate crushed expectations can cause someone to suddenly lash out or feel very hurt without the ability to step back and calmly take in the situation and context. It will be hard for them to have a proper discussion with so many emotions and confusion in the situation. OP’s spouse will need a bit of time, and then hopefully they can talk about it.
- OP should likely offer to sit down and talk it out with their spouse. “Hey I know you were really upset about my reaction to your gift, and I’d like to sit down and calmly talk all about it.”
OP should likely avoid just focusing on “You know I don’t like new things, you know I like repairing old things, you know I found the original one from your mother to be sentimental, etc.” OP can, and should, broach some of the above for sure, but introduce it with things like “I know that you put a lot of thought and care into your gift, and it showed that you really pay attention to my interests and what sort of things I am into and what items I put to good use. Your gift was definitely very thoughtful, and I apologize that my reaction seemed to discount that thoughtfulness entirely.” and that’s when OP can remind their spouse, “…but you know how I much prefer older things that I can keep repairing, and keep for sentimental value. This is part of me that defines my preferences and wants vastly more than the function of the thing itself. So while I am appreciative of your thoughtfulness for getting me a version of ‘said thing’ that functions in the same way but is new and in better shape, that is the reason I still feel like the gift doesn’t quite hit the mark for what is important to me… because the age and sentimentality of my current one is extremely important to me, and I felt like you ignored that part of me when putting a lot of thought into the other aspects.” - Hopefully through talking it out, OP and spouse can realize they have different wants and expectations when it comes to gift giving, and overall how to show and receive affection amongst themselves, and keeping that communication open by reminding each other not to fall back on old assumptions. OP will likely want to make sure they are also considering the same when giving gifts to their spouse in the future. In fact…
- This conversation is a good time to broach that topic as well, in case OP’s spouse has been disappointed by OP’s gift giving in the past, but has been bottling it up instead of saying something about it. I mean, OP promised to stop giving them Nerdy T-Shirts, but what are the gifts now? Because if Nerdy T-shirts was the default, it might not be getting much more “thoughtful” after that (at least in their spouse’s opinion). That could also explain the sudden emotional spike and argument outside of simple crushed expectations, if the spouse’s anger was not just about OP not liking their gift, but the fact they have never received a good gift from OP either. “You never give me thoughtful gifts, and even worse, when I give you a very thoughtful gift, you have no reaction other than lack of caring!!! Why am I even trying?!?!” In fact, if OP’s spouse was indeed bottling up that sort of disappointment, they may have been (consciously or subconsciously) using this gift, not only as a way to show OP they truly care by getting something specific to their interests/hobbies/etc., but also as a subtle hint to show OP the kinds of thoughtful gifts they would like as well. So when OP totally disregarded the gift, OP’s spouse probably felt (1) crushed expectations causing their giddiness and anticipation to fall off a cliff to a deep pit in their gut, (2) hurt by the lack of acknowledgement for all the thought they put into something they felt was selfless and caring, dedicated solely to their partner, and (3) hopeless that OP would ever understand what a “good gift” is (in their opinion), and thus hopeless their message will ever get through OP’s head. If this is the case, OP’s spouse should probably just be open and communicate about their disappointment, and not use gifts they give as subtle hints to gifts they would like to receive, and hope the other person picks up on it. Especially if in doing so, they are perpetuating the same issue of giving their partner gifts that are “good for themself” as a “gift that would be good for their partner.”
I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.
The sentence that finally got us on the same page:
“I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don’t necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise.”
This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.
They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there’s a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!
Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.
It’s time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It’s more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don’t is both your fault.
No one is suffering here (imo) so that’s a great success.
If no one did anything wrong, then why am I being punished for it? Sigh.
You have to explain why in a much clearer way.
Explain that you do appreciate it. Explain that if you hadn’t had the prior thing you probably would have loved it. But now, it’s a change, and it’s a big change, in several ways, including the nostalgia factor, and you absolutely appreciate that this thing is newer and more expensive but it doesn’t YET make sense for you to make the change and because of that you don’t want to make the change.
And because of that, it will just be sitting unused and you don’t like the idea of it sitting unused.
It felt bad to you to not use a gift.
And that, wanting to keep what you have, not wanting a change, and not wanting it to sit unused, is why you suggested a return, and not because you don’t appreciate it.
I think you’ll have to explain the “not wanting change” bit the most, by explaining why you feel that way. Maybe try finding a similar comparison. Imagine you’d gift them expensive jewelry or clothes they feel they couldn’t ever wear, maybe something they couldn’t wear together with their favorite clothing. A bag that would only sit in a closet. A tool that does more, but is heavier or whatever. Whatever that feels relevant to them, that makes them understand why you feel like you don’t want to make the change, not yet.
How should you have initially responded? Hard to say without knowing the people around you, but I’d say it would’ve been safe to say something like “oh, I don’t know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it’s got so many years left”
In other words, tell her that the gift was indeed great and that there’s wrong with the gift except timing, and emphasize you do not fault her for anything, you’re happy she thought of it, you’re sorry your reaction made her feel bad, you should’ve communicated better, and you’ll make a change to communicate better.
Perhaps even say something like “I probably should’ve told you I wanted to use this current thing for much longer, I should’ve explained more about how I think about these things and how I plan”. Because your initial response sucked honestly, and you need to make sure your phrasing don’t make her feel she made a mistake.
If she really likes being able to give you gifts, and if she now feels uncertain about being able to give you future gifts (this is very likely, by the way!), you should consider implementing that “communicating better” thing - for example (you don’t need to do it exactly like this, IT’S AN EXAMPLE) by maintaining and sharing a list of your existing things plus a wishlist, with details like “don’t replace before” and “replace no later than” and “required specs: XYZ”. And if she likes feeling like she can put her own touch on it, DO NOT present it as “do exactly this”, but rather “you can take inspiration from this”.
oh, I don’t know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it’s got so many years left
That’s awesome wording.
This whole comment is amazing. Thank you so much.
Gifts don’t have to be something you like, want, or need. It’s about the thought, care, and love that goes into them. Whether you like new things or old things, it doesn’t matter. Gifts have subtext. Your SO probably will equate your love for the gift with your love for them. Use them both. Love them both. Love the people who gave you both.
It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any “new” item.
Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?
It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.
It’s also pretty shitty to be told that thing you love sucks take this version they think is better and you HAVE to like it
That’s a pretty extreme interpretation of being given a gift…
You aren’t even OP… Are you OK?
It’s not just any person giving a gift or the giving of a random gift. This is specific to this particular gift, in this particular scenario, to this particular person who explained thoroughly why this was not a good gift to give at all. I’m giving OP benefit if the doubt that their recommendation was doing and should have been understood by their spouse without judgment. As presented, it could easily be misrepresented, but I’m taking it as is for objectivity
A hyperbole (pronounced “hy-per-buh-lee”) is a literary device that uses extreme exaggeration to create strong emphasis
I’m fine, perhaps I went a little too overboard, but it was intending hyperbole to make clear the point I was arguing from, which was that the spouse hurt OP and is being made it as a villain for it
Perhaps I misunderstood this literary device or how to use it, but now you know what I was attempting, I’ll consider an edit if you want to play Editor for a minute
Down vote me if ya want but I very much feel OP. I always will take an older model or refurnished over some new, overly priced gizmo. I understand that the new thing is maybe an improvement but the capitalist churn of new devices every other week makes me sick. “What’s wrong with older devices?”, is my shtick. A computer from 2011 will run fine without a copious amount of bloat publishers push. I had a very thoughtful mother in law who fixed my screen on my computer instead of buying me a new laptop. My ex husband on the other hand always wanted the trendiest item Instagram was selling and would request his mom get it for him, we were poor (who would’ve guess two kids in their 20s were working on our finances). I’m still actively playing my original Xbox One from 16ish years ago, and my console still loads faster than my friends’ newer consoles.
I’m not alone! Lol
So, which one of you is a Libra? Xddd
This sounds like me… Father gave me a gift that I don’t need, I get irritated and said something that I shouldn’t say. Spouse pointed that out to me, said it was their thought that mattered. I feel sorry and guilty ever since…
I never used that thing, but I kept it very safe.
In a perfect world, you can accept the gift graciously and then give it away later without making a big deal about it. At least in the Marie Kondo school of things, you think about how the person who gave you a gift out of kindness and love wouldn’t want it to be burdening your life.
That’s that if it really is important to them that you keep this gift. There might be something more complicated going on that I don’t really understand.
