01:15 (AM that is, but using 24 hour time format doesn’t need AM/PM) here… zero sleep, listening to a bunch of depression music… :/
Living with family (family of origin, that is) but half of my family members are away… especialy mom…
You only learn to appreciate someone¹ once they’re gone… this time for 30 days… one day its gonna be forever… 🥺 (¹mom that is, Idk how to feel about older brother, still haven’t fixed the broken relationship since those series of fights about 7-9 years ago… )
Mom’s so busy with my brother’s marriage plans, haven’t have much time to talk to me. Idk what to even say on the phone… I just wanna hear her voice… I kinda have a panic attach if i don’t hear her voice or if she takes too long to respond…
I’m just feeling very suicidal rn
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I think I’m on the verge of having to find a new job, when I really like where Im at now, but can’t keep up a sustainable income from what I’m given anymore.
$4500 in debt too. Im feeling increasingly isolated again, and dont even have a vague confidant i can go to for a personal chat.
I thought getting a cat would stave off the anxiety, but I think its just introduced more, and doubled down on proving how financially irresponsible I am.
Im starting to feel like there’s no way up anymore. So all I do is use the internet as my Dorian Gray painting to pour all the bad mojo aandmisery onto. I dont even find satisfaction or joy in writing fanfic anymore.
So yeah, misery vibes all around as the world slowly collapses on itself, and I feel like I’m on the prevailing winds of that.
just had a brush with ideation because I feel like a shit mom, always fun. Was reading articles on his disorder just now cuz he got in trouble again.
it breaks my heart.
tomorrow is another day, and life is a forever transition.
oh and also agree with the other commentors, youre a part of our comminity, you cannot leave us!
My dad died on May 3rd.
My wife and I were at my parents’ house visiting the day before because our (me & my dad) birthdays were coming up. Mine was the 4th, his was the 5th. He would have been 88.
The joke has always been that I was my dad’s birthday present. Now my birthday is sandwiched between the day he was born and the day he died.
I’ve got 5 days of bereavement leave from work, so I’ve been helping my mom. My brother and I took her to the funeral home on the 4th, and my sister and I took her to arrange for food for after the funeral on the 5th.
Their dog is getting seriously upset, so we’re going to take her to the funeral home on Friday to see him. I’m hoping that will be enough for her to understand.
I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, but I also wouldn’t say I’ve come to terms with it. When I have time to stop and just think, I can’t organize my thoughts. I can’t get to sleep at night.
Many years ago, when my maternal grandfather died, my mom told me that no matter how old you are, when your parent dies, you feel like an orphan. I think I understand that now. I’m 56, but I feel untethered.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I’m going to share with you a sentiment that I don’t imagine you’ll be able to fully process right now, when everything is still so raw and jumbled, but I hope that in time, it might offer you some comfort, as it did for me.
When I lost my partner back in 2021, it made me think a lot about legacy — in particular, the fact that deciding a person’s legacy is a task that falls to the people who are left behind. On the days where the grief hurts particularly badly, this idea helps me to stay focussed on the duty I feel to carry my partner’s memory forwards, through embodying his virtues and learning from his flaws. It’s a heavy burden, but one I’m glad to carry.
It’s okay if thinking this way is too much for you right now, especially as you have so much on your plate in terms of logistics. I just wanted to share this with you because what you said about your dad’s birthday touched me. Your next few birthdays are going to be pretty rough, but I hope that in time, you’ll be able to remember the joke about how you’re your dad’s birthday present in a way that’ll still hurt, but in a warm, loving way that inspires you to continue making your dad proud. He might be gone, but you’ll always be his birthday present — a birthday present that will continue to become even better as you continue to learn and grow.
I’ve never lost a parent before, but I relate to what you describe about feeling untethered. That’s another part of why I commented. My partner used to be one of the tethers connecting me to the world, and losing him meant I needed to find new ways to anchor myself so that I could be the tether that holds his memory here. It’s disorienting and exhausting and the worst part is that when you feel like you’re beginning to adjust, another wave of grief will hit you when you’re least expecting it. Grief doesn’t happen all at once, nor does it follow a predictable path. Be kind to yourself over the coming weeks and months.
Good luck with taking the dog to the funeral home on Friday, and good luck with supporting other members of your family too. I hope that the funeral logistics go smoothly enough that you are able to find some time to begin the long process of reorienting yourself. And please don’t feel the need to reply to this comment if you don’t have the brain space for that. God knows you’ve got enough obligations on your plate
I’m sorry for your loss.
Thanks
Sorry for your loss.
Thanks
I’ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts for around twenty years, and what helps me out a lot is observing nature: Be outside, watch birds and other animals, how they live. This is always comforting, the life continues and our problems are transient. With that, I try being a bit more like a bird: enjoy others’ company, take some sun, cackle a bit now and then.
Anyhow whatever way you find, realize that you are loved and cherished, you are important and we need you here. If you feel it’s too much to handle, please call 988 or if you are abroad https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp.
If you live near a church, a mosque, or a site of prayer, I’m certain they will be willing to lend an ear with no compromise.
Whatever is going on, there is so much to see, taste and experience that eventually it will be worth it, please keep at it.
I would miss you if you were gone.
Lol, miss the random fediverse infodump and traumadump? xD
For what it’s worth, yeah. At first I might’ve thought it was kinda annoying. But I’ve seen you around here enough in various communities that I no longer see you as a random internet user, but instead as an active member of our little online community, and I would absolutely notice if you left.
Yeah, same here. I can remember a few different scattered interactions I’ve had with OP — enough that if they never posted again, I would notice their absence.
I wouldn’t say that trauma dumps are fun to read, but as someone who has plenty of trauma of my own, being able to relate to a random internet person has sometimes been a rare source of solace for me.
Me too.
I would!
I would miss you too
I wake up, get dressed, go to work, come back home and stare at the ceiling in my bed, then I have dinner and go to sleep. Repeat.
I’m cosplaying an oscilloscope so I think my answer is irrelevant lol
I’d be inclined to agree
My dad has Alzheimer’s and it constantly going downhill. It’s sad as shit. My relationship is deteriorating for different reasons and I’m feeling very isolated.
I’m sorry you’re suffering, please reach out to someone if you’re feeling like this.
Stay strong!
It’s been a rough few years for me. Loneliness, OCD, tinnitus, depression, and anxiety disorders have really taken it’s toll. I’m trapped in the middle of nowhere with no public transportation and I can’t drive a car to go socialize or meet people. I’m very irritable around my family and I try to avoid them most of the time. My mom takes me to work and back which I really appreciate. I hate my job. I hate working with the public. I don’t know what else to do. This is all I’ve ever known. For what it’s worth, many of us feel as you do. Here is my favorite song to listen to when i’m sad, if you’re interested. Hang in there.
I could have written this. Every single thing you are struggling I’ve struggled with as well. All of it can and will get better, I promise. Patience with yourself and the world is key.
You mean like the breakdown I had yesterday and I thought that it’s time to end it once and for all because of how miserable and worthless I am? Nah, not been there, not done that. /j
Somehow I’m still here, on the bus, on my way to work.
After I finish the few hours of work that my doctor allows me to do, I guess I’m looking forward to sitting down at the local library to do some hobby programming. I’m also looking forward to see some of my colleagues. Not all of them.
If you would have to say at least one thing that you could look forward to today/tomorrow, what would it be?
Cheers for hobbies and how they keep us steady. And cheers to you
Are you programming a specific project or learning a new language?
Learning my first ever language, C. The goal is to get a better understanding of how machines interpret human readable code and for me to be able to read and understand it. As of now, I’m not trying to develope anything in particular, although down the road, it would be a fun experiment to try to write as many of my computer and smartphone applications and environments as possible. Just to see how self sustaining one can become. 😊
You could check out the game Turing Complete as it’s a really fun intro into how computers compute from a single logic gate upwards. Gives a great perspective on how assembly languages works. You can even make your own instruction set and CPU architecture in the game!
Sic! Thank you so much! 🩵
Close. I keep doing physical activity and going for walks or kayaking after the “I’m sick of this” days, which shoots me back up to positivity again and I feel stupid for neglecting myself.
Then I neglect myself again, lol…
Get lazy, focus on easily avoidable bad things, don’t pursue good things enough, spend too much time on my ass triggering dopamine instead of the endorphins and serotonin my mind is actually desperately craving. Then the bad sleep habits start, it snowballs. A few weeks later I’m wondering how I got here again like it’s some sort of surprise.
Why don’t you also help with your brother marriage organization, so you get to spend time with her ? :)
Also, please. Take care of you!!!
For my part I have no motivation for my new work… I find it very boring and wait for the end of the day all day. Could be better could be worst I guess.
They’re in China… (my family’s country of origin)
I don’t have a passport yet… submitted application still waiting for the US State Department… 👀
Also requires visa from PRC Embassy…
I thought it was too much hassle to have to deal with VPN and firewall issues and I didn’t bother…
If I knew I’d feel this lonely, I might’ve tagged along
That reminds me, haven’t been on a plane since we arrived in the US in 2010… 16 years away from my birth country… 👀
Also my brother seems to think I’m trying to harm him or something… mom asked me to help with finding the cheapest plane tickets, then there was some webpage loading issues, then he just said he would just do it on his computer instead…
And then I was curious and asked which seats he picked… I mean I’m always curious about stuff
He didn’t respond…
Like c’mon… it’s not like I’m gonna put poison on a plane seat lmfao… wtf bro?
So yeah…
Why not make some friends in your area and hang out with them? Join a club of some kind. Board game meetup or sports.
I mean quick online search mentions the idea of local facebook groups to find people to do meetups with…
👀
sigh
Guess I’m selling my soul to corporate lmfao
I really dont think you need Facebook for that. You can just look up some bigger clubs in your area just by searching the web or even using wikipedia if its up to date. I myself have joined a computer club in my area fairly recently and its feels great to have some like minded people that are just as “weird” as myself. I know that getting into that can be daunting but it really is worth it.
Or make some online friends! We need like a Lemmy equivalent of gaming discord servers
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Mom’s so busy with my brother’s marriage plans, haven’t have much time to talk to me. Idk what to even say on the phone… I just wanna hear her voice… I kinda have a panic attach if i don’t hear her voice or if she takes too long to respond…
The people I love, I’ve started saving their voicemails offline, so I can remember their voices. Maybe you can do the same?
I had a cassette of a voicemail my mom left for my grandma and I taped over it. I had backed it up to a .wav file but I lost it. I can still hear it in my mind. I’m sad about it. I suppose I could ask to record my mom’s voice but that would be weird.
Edit: No, it was for my grandpa. She said “have mommy call me”. I think she was in college at the time. I miss my grandparents. Things seemed so much easier back then. Young me thought i’d have a happy life by now. I know it’s not too late but it’s getting there and I’ve been stuck in a rut for years now. It’s hard to climb out of the hole i’ve dug.
