For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I’ve never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It’s sentimental.
I don’t like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It’s perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don’t like new things.
We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?
We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I’m not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don’t like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?
I’m very suprised by a lot of these comments. it’s very common advice that a gift giver should gift something that the reciever wants, not the giver. Not gifting someone they already know isn’t common advice but it’s already common sense. Common sense isn’t always as common as the name suggests, though, and we all have blind spots. The other commenters may be right in that your wife’s reaction might be a sign that your tone was harsher than you intended or thought, but that doesn’t change the fact that you were hurt as well. if this was an aquiantance i might agree that you should have just accepted the gift graciously even if you were just gonna return it, but your partner should someone you can be honest with and someone who will appreciate that honesty
like most relationship problems, i think the best way to move forward is to talk it out. i’d apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid as an olive branch. explain again calmly where you’re coming from with this and emphasize gratitude that your wife was observant enough to get you a gift they thought you would use while also explaining- again, calmy- why your wife came to the wrong conclusion. try and zero in on the heart of the problem- was it specifically that you wanted to return it that was the issue? then you might be able to compromise that you keep it until your current one is broken beyond repair, for example. never ever ever say “i’m sorry you feel that way,” that never goes well, but do show genuine concern and remorse for the way that they feel. after your wife blows off some steam, if you both approach this calmly and in good faith i’m sure you’ll be able to find a compromise. that might look like your t-shirt rule, “no gifting things i already own,” or deciding to always gift “experiences” instead like another commenter said, or maybe just no gifts moving forward if it really is always going to be a point of contention
good luck to you and i hope everything works out well for the both of you
Receiving an apology when it’s not real is the shortest way to make me distrust everything else you are going to say in an situation like this.
If you don’t actually feel sorry don’t fucking say that shit. That’s just setting yourself up for resentment and distrust.
This is exactly how old arguments get brought up again and again.
With something like “I always KNEW you weren’t actually sorry about the time XYZ…”
You can be honest without actively and willfully deciding to lie about the situation. It’s just not the easy thing to do. But it’s the right thing to do
i think you replied to the wrong comment?
I responded to your comment correctly. You said to apologize even if they didn’t blow their lid as an olive branch.
What exactly is the apology worth if you don’t actually believe you did anything wrong? That’s manipulative. You are giving a false impression of contrition.
And people pick up on disingenuous behavior often enough that you shouldn’t do it.
I’m not the best at explaining myself, especially in text only, so I’m sorry if I’m not being clear, I don’t know how else to explain the dishonesty it makes me feel thinking about that it.
It’s like a corporation making a public apology. If you don’t actually feel bad then it’s an empty gesture with only an ulterior motives behind it. That rubs me entirely the wrong way.
In not claiming to be the world’s best communicator or even a member of that League, but it’s clear as day to me how much of a problem lieing is because people refuse to see it as a problem
i agree with you that insincere apologies are wrong. OP structured their post looking to understand their wife’s POV, rather than to get a bunch of strangers to agree with them like on an AITA post. if that were the case i definitely wouldn’t suggest apologizing. OP acknowledges that they hurt their wife, even if they didn’t mean to, much like their wife hurt them, even if they didn’t mean to. i just think sitting down and actually expressing that, saying “hey, i wouldn’t have said that or said it the way i said it if i knew it would upset you, i’m sorry” establishes empathy and good faith, and often times doing that is enough to get the other person to do the same thing. if OP didn’t seem sorry i wouldn’t have suggested apologizing
i think my wording was the problem here in hindsight. “i’d apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid” does sound like i’m saying to apologize for being angry even if you weren’t angry. what i was trying to say was that apologizing for hurting them, even if their reaction seemed way out of proportion to what OP said or how OP said it, would be a good first step to reconciliation