I have two kids under 2 years old and I have a friend who has a daughter the same age as mine.
My wife is friends with his wife and they talk often. She recently told my wife that my friend wants to have another kid, but she doesn’t appreciate how little he showed up with this first child and she wants to wait for his “dad instincts” to kick in before they have another child.
I found this surprising as I have gone out several times with my friend where we have taken our daughters for play dates and he always seemed like a kind and caring father to me. Very attentive to what his daughter was doing and always running after her. I also did not understand what “Dad instincts” meant.
So a few weeks ago we arrange to catch a game together at a local bar with a few other friends. I have not been able to get out much as two kids are very demanding, but I was looking forward to catching up with my friend because the other people we were meeting don’t have kids and my friend and I would have something common to talk about.
So we meet up and we initially talk about our kids. I ask how his family is and he does the same. I’m telling him all the things my kids have been up to and I can see that he is nodding and smiling, but did not seem to be listening to anything I was saying.
When I finish talking he suddenly says, “Hey look at who I have for my fantasy lineup this week,” and he breaks out his phone and starts showing me.
That was the moment I saw it. Exactly what his wife had been complaining about. I feel like my life has grown so much, but he was reminding me of what we were like 5 years ago or more.
Our friends showed up later and he does not bring up his family once. All he talked about with them was going to play golf and out to restaurants. He was making all these plans for the next two weeks and all I thought about was, “What about your wife and kid? Won’t they need you on those days?”
I didn’t know what to think of it at the time. I was just shocked that his priorities seemed so different when he has the same responsibilities I do and people counting on him to be around.
I wanted to take a moment to offer a different perspective. It sounds like your friend is disassociating. That doesn’t make him a bad dad. It just means he might be dealing with things that he is trying to protect himself from on an emotional level. I won’t try to conjecture what they are, because I don’t know him nor do I know his situation. And if you’re willing to take my advice, I’d suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt and just being there for him; whatever that may look like. You might even try to ask him about it (but be willing to accept that if there is something going on, he may not be ready or willing to talk about it).
Good luck to your friend.