I mean I wouldn’t dare say this to a therapist, I’d get involuntarily committed, which would just make me even more depressed.

Being involuntarily committed requires a present danger to yourself or others. Curiosity is not that. Talk to a therapist, it can really help.

(Also, for what it’s worth, being committed can really help. I spent a few days in a mental health ward and, while I wanted nothing more than to get out at the time, it ended up being very good for me. Unfortunately it also meant I started avoiding talking to a therapist, like you’re doing. I regret that result immensely, therapy is too useful.)